


The Parentage Test

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drabble, Humor, Multi, Parenthood, Potions, Purebloods
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-14
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-01-01 11:29:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1044291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Hermione take a parentage test to avoid accidental incest. The results are astounding. Harry has two dads and Hermione has a dad and two moms? How disturbing. And the worst part is, they're all Slytherins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Harry was sitting peacefully in Myrtle's bathroom, watching the clichely green potion bubble on the toilet. Hermione stepped through the door carrying a bag of herbs and he stood up, ready to give her a kiss. It was swatted away.

"Hey! What was that for?" Harry pouted.

"The parentage potion is not done yet. We have to make sure what we're doing is not incest. That's what the potion is for." Hermione explained patiently with a long-suffering sigh, dropping the herbs in and stirring 5 times clockwise. The potion turned coral.

"Oh" said Harry dully.

Hermione extinguished the flame and poured the potion into two phials. She handed one to Harry and kept the other herself. 

"Put a drop of your blood in and it will tell the names of your parents." she said as she pulled two knives out of nowhere. She noticed Harry staring. "Magic is very handy, isn't it?" she smirked.

Harry did as he was told and stared intently at his potion. He heard Hermione gasp.

Harry peeked over at Hermione's potion. There were blue words floating in the coral potion.

FATHER: LUCIUS MALFOY  
OTHER FATHER: SEVERUS SNAPE

" Malfoy and Snape...?" Harry gaped like a fish. "But... but... they're snakes!"

"No, Harry." Hermione said slowly. "What we should be asking is how two men have a child. It goes against biology. The question is how does it even work?"

This time it was Harry's turn to smirk. "Magic. Plus the normal method."

"Ah. That explained alot." Hermione nodded and mentally reminded herself to ask for the specifics from an adult.

With that said and done, the two turned to Harry's potion. Both gave a screech, Harry's even girlier than Hermione's.

FATHER: TOM RIDDLE  
MOTHER: BELLATRIX LESTRANGE  
OTHER MOTHER: NARCISSA MALFOY

"More snakes..." said Harry weakly. He fainted.

"And the Dark Lord..." said Hermione weakly. She didnt faint, but almost.

Harry woke up to the sight of Hermione swaying woozily. "So how does 3 parents work?"

Hermione shot him a death glare and he smiled sheepishly. "Oh yeah. Magic."

However, Hermione was also curious. Soon, her face sported a grin that only could mean one thing.

"We're going on a quest for knowledge!" Hermione cheered, dragging Harry out of the bathroom. "We will soon know exactly how this miracle occured!"

In Riddle Manor, the Dark Lord ans 4 of his most faithful suddenly sneezed.


	2. voldy, bella, narci

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The DE parents know!!

The dark lord was having a very strange dream. For some reason, he was rutting against Bella, his trusted servant, and ... Lady Malfoy? The dream was so clear, almost like a memory.

Turning over in his soft fluffy bed (hey, even dark lords like comfort), he decided to ponder it for awile.

He had almost fallen asleep again when Bellatrix burst in.

"My lord! I just had a very strange dream!" She threw herself on the floor in front of him.

The dark lord wanted to crucio her for her audacity but found himself unable. Instead, he gently said "what's the matter Bella?"

" I had this dream that my lord, my sister, and I had a son. His name was Hadrian."

"Interesting..." the dark lord mused. Could it be true?

Suddenly, the memories came back. Hadrian's birth (magic!)... his first birthday... his abduction by Order members... the memory wipes...

Judging by the gasp, Bellatrix had remembered too. He stroked her hair, waiting for Narcissa to burst in the door in 3... 2... 1...

Narci burst through the door, out of breath.

"Good morning," she greeted.

The dark lork didn't beat around the bush. "You remember?"

Narci nodded, wide-eyed.

"Then we shall immediately start searching for our son. There is no time to lose."

_____

Sev woke up.

"Luce?" he called to the person next to him.

LucIe stirred. "Where's Helena?" He murmured groggily.

 "Still dead" Sev  sighed sadly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will keep expanding if kudos


	3. AUTHORS NOTE

I wrote this when i was 13  
this is a shitty fic. it is also very much dead despite getting kudos  
unless someone wants to help me pull this up to par then it will stay a dead and shitty fic  
good god this embarasses me so much

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and it expands. Otherwise it will stay a one-shot.


End file.
